Empathetic Leadership...it sound great, but what does it really look like in corporate America?

Empathetic Leadership is a term gaining a lot of momentum in corporate America. It’s also a term I find has a lot of different meanings for people. Recently I asked my Linked In and Facebook families what they think of when they think of Empathetic Leadership. One of the responses was,

“When I think of an empathetic leader I think of someone who is able to really get to know and care about their employees/staff/whatever. They approach problems with a positive regard for staff and don’t impose arbitrary rules.”

 I like this definition because I find it captures the essence of what a lot of us think about when we hear this term.

What I also see in my leadership coaching is confusion on what this really looks like when put into practice. So often leaders struggle with the concept of being empathetic and still holding people accountable or setting high performance standards and expectations. If one of my employee’s parents is fighting cancer, does this mean being an empathetic leader is letting them come and go as they please, miss deadlines, log off for ½ the day or talk to clients about how they are struggling?

One of the ways to become an empathetic leader is to understand and practice the skill of empathy. Empathy is the ability to feel with someone....to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Teresa Wiseman provides a great framework to understand empathy by breaking it down into 4 distinct elements, perspective taking, non-judgment, identifying emotion, and communicating the emotion.

Perspective-taking is simply the acknowledgment that how other people see the world is true for them. If it isn’t the way we see it, that’s ok, we see the world differently because our experiences throughout our life, which shape the way we see the world, have been dramatically different than anyone else. What we see as true is not the truth, it is simply true for us. Consequently, the ability to take another person’s perspective is simply accepting the fact that what other people see or feel is true for them. If someone is sad because they got passed up for a promotion.....then they are sad....that’s their truth.

Nonjudgment is simply the notion that if we are going to connect to the way someone else is feeling..... we can’t be judging them for having the feelings they are having.

 “You shouldn’t be disappointed about not getting that promotion, it went to a very deserving person and your time will come.”

This is a statement I could easily envision coming out of my mouth in the past. The problem is, it is predicated on the notion that the feeling someone is having is something they should not be having. Telling someone not to feel the way they are feeling is like telling them their heart should not be beating. Our emotions come and go like our heart beats....telling someone not to have them is as far away from empathy as you’re going to get.

If we are going to connect to the emotion someone else is having...we need to understand what they are feeling. Considering there are roughly 40 human emotions we are capable of, this takes some emotional literacy. However, as we build that emotional literacy, simply get in the habit of asking.

“It sounds like you’re are really sad about being passed up for that promotion.”

The magic of asking is.....they will tell you if you are right or wrong. So, they might say,

“I’m not sad about it...I’m really pissed off.”

Now we know.....we can all connect to the feeling of being pissed off....and we are one step closer to expressing true empathy.

The last element is to bring it home...make them feel heard and seen with a simple validating statement that communicates you get it.

“I see you’re really pissed off about being passed over for that promotion. I know how that feels and it really sucks.”

Using this language in a corporate setting can feel awkward...I get it. At the end of the day, you are there to do a job, and oftentimes the people who come to us, besides needing a little empathy, also need help. And using a validating empathetic statement does not seem like it helps much. But consider this.....empathy is a way of being....it is a part of communicating that drives connection in a deep and meaningful way. Imagine the leader you become when you lead with empathy, but problem solve and drive results at the same time. Let’s go back to the example of someone on our staff whose parent is fighting cancer. Empathetic leadership might look like this,

“Sally, I heard about your mother. I am so sorry. It seems like It’s really hard on you and that you are very worried. I get it...it really sucks.” When you’re ready, let’s talk about how we can support you. I know this comes at a shitty time with the project deadline on Friday. What do you need from the team to help manage your role? I want to be as flexible as possible so let’s really focus on communicating with each other so I know what you need and we finish this project on time.”

A culture where empathy is practiced as a way of being is a culture that promotes a sense of inclusion and belonging. If you want to be an Empathetic Leader....start with understanding and practicing what empathy truly looks like. It’s a game-changer....for you....and the people you lead.